Exorcism
by Askavi
Summary: A fic based on experience. Rukawa x Hanamichi.


It's always the hardest step to take 

It's always the hardest step to take. The courage required for it wasn't owned by many. 

Yet for most, it was a necessary step. It heralded the start of a new part of life, a fresh start, a new chance at life. 

But it also brought with it the act of throwing away something precious, something irreplaceable, something beautiful. 

Forgetting. To erase the memories of the one you loved, the one you cared for, dreamt of every day. Someone that was so much in your life, you can't bear to cut him away. It was the step most could not bear to take. 

They continued living, in a false world, a world filled with memories they'll always compare reality to. A world which no longer exists for them. 

Some are luckier. They, having turned love into hatred, could bear to take the step. Their hatred feeds the dwindling courage. It was always those who still love, and know that the object of their affection feel the same way, that bears the heaviest burden. 

They have the biggest step to take. 

He walked along the street, feeling the cold winter wind toying with his long coat. People all around him went on with their daily lives, hardly paying attention to him. He didn't mind. He was wandering about in his own world, determined to relive the memories before exorcising them. 

He didn't want to, but he knew he had to. There were only two routes for him. He could forget, and start his life afresh, or he could live with those memories. 

But he knew that if he were to live with those memories, he would never have a chance at life again. He would never allow himself a chance at love, a chance at life. 

To him, no one could compare to the one in his memories. 

Hence, he had to forget. He couldn't bear to. 

He had struggled with himself a long while, before giving in to his heart. He would visit those places again, to relive them again, before taking that cruel, necessary step. 

Someone bumped into him. He staggered a little, but continued, touring the city he, they knew so well. 

Every sunlit street invoked the cheerful memories of laughter, of requited love and joy, every dark alley held the scent of stolen passion under pale moonlight. Each nook and cranny of the city held different memories and as he walked past them, he mentally crossed them off reluctantly, but determinedly. 

He found that every step he took was getting heavier and heavier. Sadness weighed down his steps; sadness he felt because he had to let the memories go, sadness he breathed because he could see the relationship disintegrating in the playback of memories, sadness he was choking on because deep down in him, he still yearned for a chance to save the relationship. 

He wished there were a painless way to wipe the memories away. He glanced at the people on the street, each walking to their various destination and wondered if they too, had once went through the same routine, that they too, had once struggled to forget the one they loved and the moments they lived. 

He wondered how many had not done it and was still struggling to live in that false world, how many had done it and found happiness elsewhere, how many had done it and regretted it. 

He stopped by the river, and breathed in deeply. 

The particular spot held several memories for him. Everything started and ended there. 

He smiled tenderly, remember the comedic sight of a wet Sakuragi clambering up the bank of the river, enraged. He could still feel the wet, muscular body against his as he helped to bring the feverish boy home. 

They had their first kiss at the riverbank and had attracted weird stares and a few disgusted insults. 

Their relationship had been full of ups and downs, and eventually it got to a point where neither could stand the pressure anymore. 

It takes two strong kindred souls to stay together for a lifetime, and he knew neither of them was as strong as they seemed. 

`When it came to the worst point, all we wanted was a break.' He thought, feeling a prickling sensation at the back of his eyes. 

Perhaps it had been for the best. Society was too cruel on them, and they were weak enough to succumb. 

And it had ended, beautifully. Love had drawn them together, and love was one thing that was in abundant supply throughout the relationship. It had ended on their terms. 

But it still lived on for him. And he needed to break away from it. 

Mildly, he wondered if the redhead had managed to break away. Then he wondered how much he would be hurt by it. Would he shed tears? Would he feel relieved? Or would he feel nothing? 

He didn't know. 

He turned around and leaned against the railing, closing his eyes, enjoying the breeze playing with his hair. 

A familiar scent tickled his nose. A scent that he knew very well. 

"Hanamichi." He whispered, and opened his eyes. 

The redhead stood in front of him, staring silently at him. But he wasn't alone. 

Rukawa took a glance at the girl standing next to the redhead and felt as if someone had punched him. Shoulder-length hair, cream and peaches complexion, sweet smile. The type Sakuragi had always adored. 

"Kaede." Sakuragi whispered. He stepped forward, letting go of the girl's hand. 

He nodded stiffly, his musing earlier answered. "Hanamichi." 

The redhead dug into his pocket and retrieved a thousand yen note and passed it to the girl. "Why don't you get us a couple of drinks, Mame-chan?" 

Not wanting to see the girl's adoration apparent in her eyes, he turned to face the river, studying the gentle ripples at the surface. 

Sakuragi turned around and stood next to him. "How have you been?" 

He used his index finger to trace the intricate carving on the railing, choosing not to answer. 

Sakuragi sighed softly and fidgeted nervously. "I wish I knew what to say." 

"You don't have to say anything." 

"Sou…" His voice carried a trace of uncertainty. 

Silence filled the air, a silence that did say something. The silence served to remind both of them that everything was in the past. Perhaps this was what he needed. The strong reminder that everything would, could only be a memory, a reminder that they were both not what they were, that they had to moved on with their separate lives. 

"Hanamichi-kun!" the girl was back, her arms loaded with drinks. 

"I have to go." Sakuragi paused. "Are we friends?" 

He shook his head, keeping his eyes to the water. There was no point. 

"Sou desu ne…"The redhead turned to go. "It was good while it lasted, Kaede." 

He could hear the low rumble of Sakuragi's laughter and the girl's giggles. He turned in time to see them walk off, hand in hand. 

If staying friends had been a way out, he would have responded positively. But he knew that it was not a choice open to him. Being friends would mean interacting on a different level. Everything would have changed. He would have to see the redhead in a new light. 

He turned and walked in the opposite direction. It was time to let go, to let the memories drift with the wind and stayed buried. 

Sakuragi had done it, and it was time for him to forget. 

There was no point in holding on anymore. Even memories had their cruel side and it would be less painful to everyone to let the memories disintegrate. To let them go, to let the imprint of their love fade. He closed his eyes and smiled bitterly. 

He was strong enough to do it. 

To exorcise. 

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